Ep120 Why do we work so hard and everything else that's wrong with me

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Hey friends, this episode is called ‘Why do we work so hard and everything else that's wrong with me?’

Yeah, if you like the linear episodes that I do with like five steps to x, y, z, then this one isn't for you hit skip.

Now, this one is a bit more of a deep one and a look into entrepreneur psychology. I'm talking about the things that are, I say wrong with me. But they're more things that aren't conducive to the life that I want to lead. And so I'm trying to change that. This episode, I will ramble and jump all over the place. But my hope is that it helps you to examine your own entrepreneurial psychology and get the performance results that you're looking for.

Hello, I'm Tina Tower, and you're listening to her Empire Builder. For my first decade of business, I thought grinding and hustling and working harder than everyone else was my path to success. It was pretty successful by a lot of measures, but it led to burnout and adrenal fatigue. Then when I travelled around the world on my family gap, you I discovered the simplicity and the reach of online business. And I completely fell in love. You have so much knowledge and expertise that's within, and I want to help you to package that. So you can also help to lift others up. So how do you build a thriving million dollar business based on everything that's in your mind, this is Her Empire Builder, the podcast.

Hello, and welcome to Episode 120 of the her Empire Builder Podcast. I am so happy that you're here with me today. I am recording this on the Easter long weekend. And I've just had one of my greatest friends leave after spending the last two weeks together. And I'm feeling introspective. So I was going to I was going to do a different podcast episode today. But I thought you know, one of the greatest things about podcasting is it's more of a conversation. And you can go that, that little bit more personal, I don't necessarily have to or want to teach all the time through a podcast that so much of what I do in my paid programmes, I really like the podcast to be tips and tricks and then other things that can get you thinking a little differently. So that there's other options out there and and you can try to be better than you were before and get closer to that ideal performance that you're after. And so the reason that I wanted to do that today is I've had an awesome couple of weeks. But I've also struggled mentally, the last couple of weeks because I exist in quite a bubble a lot of the time, in that I am very controlled of my time. I'm very controlled with my routine with how I do everything with how I fit everything in. Because I know what makes for a happy life for me. And when I do those things. And with the last couple of weeks though, I took some time out and I went to a health retreat for five days with a couple of my girlfriends and then had one of them stay with me she's from Tassie. So stayed for another week after that, which threw me completely off my routine and gave me this whole conundrum of all I want to do is go to work. But all I also want to do is like go to the really nice restaurant or bar with her and sit there and just chat the day away. And we can't do both of those things at the same time. And so I want to run through like the different things that I went through with that and also what I went through at the health retreat because I got hypnotised. I'm jumping all over in the story here, but I'll circle back, circle back. Oh my God, that's such corporate speak ugh.

But I got hypnotised for one thing that I'm really trying to work on in my life. And it turned out that I came out going, Oh my gosh, I have so many problems. There's so many things that are wrong with me. And some people would go like that. That's not good. But really, it was quite, it was a great thing. It was a great thing because it gave me the lens to kind of look at what I wanted to change and was I doing things that are in line with my values and where I want to go in the future. So I went away. I'm part of this amazing group that I actually I actually created when I was away on my around the world trip. And I got lonely. And I hand picked a group of women that I thought were the nicest people that I knew, in terms of, they've all got such beautiful hearts and souls, but are also total kick ass women in the business world, and are also the breadwinners in their families. Because I often find that the conversations and the issues and the general life things that we come up against when you are the female breadwinner in the family is so different. And it's really hard to understand if you're not in that situation. So having this group together, we meet on zoom every month, and we talk about money. And we talk about investments and we share and we learn from one another and we talk relationships and performance and parenting and everything in between with the goal of helping one another live a fabulous life. And it is just the most beautiful thing. And so that's why I went to the health retreat with what's a couple of the ladies from that group. So again, the conversations were so good. And one thing that I was thinking a lot about was with choices. And going, you know, there's there's one of the ladies that is like, so kick ass in property. And I always go, oh my gosh, I'm so inadequate next to her and go, I need to do so much more. And I was thinking, you know, I've made the wrong choices here. But on a whole, I've made some brilliant ones. And so I was really taking that look at choices. And I know, for you as well, like we're making choices every day that are either going to help or hinder our future selves. And sure, a crystal ball would be the most wonderful thing in the world. But we can only make the best decision with the information that we have at the time. And so I have made wrong choices, some which have cost me a lot of money. Definitely some that have hurt me or inadvertently hurt others. I could be further along. But when I look objectively from where I'm at in life at 37, I'm doing okay. And I don't take it for granted for a second. One thing that I really like, just was so polarising to me, is I make good choices. But I have good choices to choose from many women of the world don't have the plethora of choices that I have available to me as an Anglo Australian woman, my privilege means I can quite literally choose to be whoever I want to be and create whatever life I dream of. And I think we really need to realise that and take that on as, as a sense of responsibility in how lucky we are, that we can actually have the ability to make choices for our future selves. And so you know, you all listen and know that it's my mission in life to create more wealth for women in the world. Because I know that when women do that, then they hand that on, they pass it on, and it goes throughout the community far and wide. And, you know, my mission in life is to expand that freedom of choice as much as I possibly can. And so one of the things that we were thinking about when we're away was was What are all these choices? And why do we do what we do when we know what we know. And it was interesting in how all of us had different areas of our life that we were thriving in and different areas of our lives that we really needed to work on to be better to be the version of ourselves that we really wanted to be. And one of the things that I said when I got there and see if you think I'm as crazy as my friends do. So one of the things that I've been really like worried about lately is that life is passing me by too quickly, and I have been sprinting my entire life. I left home when I was 13. My son is about to turn 13. And I've always worked really hard, multiple jobs, multiple businesses, through babies and just just really been in a hurry to do as much as I possibly can with life.

And lately, I've been thinking like I need to slow down I actually need to slow down so that I can enjoy it more instead of how I've been going which has been going full pelt so I can enjoy it more. So I'm at this real crossroads in going which way is the better way to live. And I don't know I have no answers with this. But we were having the big conversations you guys about what is life all about? And what makes a life well lived, you know, is it that we can go as hard as we can. I'm talking about Elon Musk, who's going you know if you work 100 hours a week instead of 40 hours a week, then that's double the productive time, which is gonna give double the result, but is that really the best thing? Sure, it may be good for the bottom line, but you're gonna work yourself into an early grave? And then are we just here to work? No, of course not. And so one thing that I did was I sat down and I wrote a life plan. And before you think I'm insane, I will tell you the whole thing, and then you may just know that I'm insane. So I want to live in lots of different chapters. And one of the ways that my husband and I have always designed our life is in chapters in going we had our pre children chapter, then we had our toddler chapter, where you've got to live in a very different way to really optimise for having young kids that you've just got to do things differently so that you can give them the best start in life. And it's over so quick. And then we went to the next one, which was like primary school, and then travelling around and doing like, that was the time for the business to thrive. And now my kids are actually getting into teenagers, I want to be around a bit more for those big heavy conversations as well and be available for that and all of the different things. And then I've got this like sweet spot afterwards, where in between high school, and when they have kids that I want to actually leave so many different lives, like I want to be a waitress on a super yacht, I want to go and work for the UN overseas for a year, I want to address the UN General Assembly, the entrepreneurs and women in third world countries, and I, there's so many things that I want to do. And then my kids will have kids, hopefully, if I'm lucky, many of them. And my goal in life then is to be officially the world's greatest grandma. And so I've got all of these things that I want to be able to do. And I couldn't make sense who I was and how I was going to do it all and how much is enough? And how much is going to give me that fulfilled life? And how much am I going to, you know, how much do I need to work in order to have that financial freedom? And at what point will I stop? And will enough ever be enough? And so these were all the things that I was thinking about that I really wanted the space and time to think of because, you know, I've been back from my around the world trip now for nearly two years. And it kind of like I wanted to create this whole new life and this whole way of thinking and I think one of the best things that we can do is really to stop and reflect and goes the life that I'm leading Now, did I get a bit carried away and fall into old habits? Or am I still on the right path? Or do I need to make those adjustments. And so I actually wrote out every year, how old I will be how old my husband will be and how old my kids will be. And then what I want to do we need each of those years. And I went right up until 2084. And this is the point that my friends thought I was certifiably insane. And I wrote probable a year of death.

Because it's my goal.

And so looking at it, though, it actually gave me beautiful peace of mind because I went You know what, there's plenty of time. And I can fit all of the things and all of the lives and all of the chapters that I want to live to have a really fulfilled impactful life in that time. And then one of my girlfriends said, Well, what if you die early? And I was like, Well, I mean, that's the goal, right is to go long. But if I die early, hopefully it's really fast. And I never know that the plan hasn't come to fruition. And so I can always live with hope and optimism, thinking that I have all of this beautiful stuff that's awaiting me, as well as living every day and every year as accounts and doing that anyway. So that was my life Master Plan, which was a nice exercise. And look, I know from the life that I have lead so far. There is no way to know what's going to happen next year. I know that I am in no way delusional around being able to or wanting to plan a life. I mean, I know one of the best lessons that I've got in life is that I can't even imagine the amazing things around the corner. So much of my life has turned out not to plan. And it's so much better than my brain could ever have imagined. But I have find comfort and security in a well laid plan. And I know that because I'm trying to do all of these things. It does help me make better decisions. So when I look at my home, when I look at the investments that I'm buying, I know I'm trying to set myself up for the future of financial security and freedom for that amount of time for my charity endeavours that I want to do for the legacy that I want to leave my children or my grandchildren and and how we want to do that. And so I know if I didn't have that plan, I wouldn't purposefully put money aside every week to go into my share portfolio. I wouldn't be investing like I do into my super I wouldn't be looking After all of these things, because they wouldn't be a focus, but I know at 37 Yes, I am very, very young. But if I want to live until I'm 104, then that means I got to do a lot now, if I don't want to still be working when I'm 70. And so, anyway, that's my last master plan.

One of the most interesting things was, at the end of the health retreat, we all had homework. And, look, we have a very beautiful group where everything is completely confidential, because we share all of our things. So it's not my place, I can tell you all my stuff. But I'm not gonna tell you theirs. But one of the polarising things was the areas of homework that we had. So the biggest changes that we wanted to make in our lives, were all so different for each of us. And all of us wanted each other's homework. So we all set goals for ourselves of the different things that we were going to do. And each of us was like, Oh, my gosh, yours is so easy ours is unfair. Because the thing that is hardest for you could be so easy for somebody else. And that's why it's our mountain to climb. And so the biggest thing for me was, and this is what I went in to get hypnotised for as well, was to move my body every day. And I know that sounds so simple to people that are used to moving their body every day. But the thing for me is, I've thought about it so much over the last couple of weeks, and still I go, how do I articulate it? It always frustrates my biggest area of frustration in my life in going, you know what, it sounds so simple in theory, like just every day do you push ups? Do you sit ups? Do your lunges, go for a little run? You're done. That's it? So easy, and yet I will find every reason not to, to not do it every reason to not do it. Do I say that? Right? Anyway, you get what I mean? And so this is what I mean, when I went into the hypnotist and I came out going, Okay, moving my body is not the problem. But man oh man, do I have some other problems? That is the manifestation of. And so you know, it turned to self worth was one of my biggest problems. So the way that she explained it, which I absolutely loved was when we're given two choices to do thing A or thing B, we as humans are always going to choose which option makes us feel good. And so she got me to describe how do I feel when I sit at my desk, and I sit down here and I'm at my computer screens, and I've got all my stuff, and it's all beautiful and wonderful. And I feel fabulous. I feel in control. I feel confident, I feel sure. I love it, I feel alive. And then she goes, Okay, when you go to start exercising, how do you feel, and I go, I feel fat, I feel lazy, I feel slow, I feel inadequate, I feel disappointed. I feel all of these different things, none of which are really very positive. And so of course, when it comes time to doing the thing where I feel on top of the world, or the thing that I feel so disappointed in where I've got to, I'm going to find every plausible reason to do the thing that makes me feel good.

And so that was one problem. The other problem that we got into as she hypnotised me was self worth, and that I get all of my self worth from my work. And so as a young person as a teenager and early 20s, for me getting business success gave me that feeling that I was good enough. It gave me the proof from the outside world that I was validated that what I had to say was somehow making me worthy as a human being that I could help other people made me feel great. Like how freakin egotistical is that? You know, and I'm sure you may relate to that as well. But by having like, to me the finances is is like the scorecard for that. And making money is the way that I know that I'm doing a good job. And if I don't make money, I feel like I'm not doing well in life. And so she was getting this link into productivity being linked with financial success. And going I always felt like if I could be, you know, say someone gives me a call. I've got the personal trainer booked in at 2pm. And someone calls me at 10am and says, Can I have a call? I'm struggling with this. I need to be able to get over that and can you help me under I am booking in a coaching session that's $1,000 to the hour. Not a question in my mind. I am blowing off that personal training. I am doing that hour Not only do I get paid, I get to get someone's problem and I

I get to be the hero. And so have it and fix it. And on I go. I mean, it doesn't take a psychologist to figure out what my problem is there. But this is the thing. I feel like when I go to my space, and I've got this beautiful space where I set up like the yoga mat and some crystals so that I can encourage myself to move in the morning. The whole time, I'm feeling like I'm wasting time, I'm feeling like I've just got to hurry up and get this done so I can get to work. Because if I'm not being productive, as the in making money or doing things for work, I feel like I'm wasting time. And then that leads to massive guilt. Because I sit there and go, Oh my God, this shouldn't be what I'm doing. This is so selfish me sitting here and doing this, I should be over there working, I've got a family to look after I've got all these different things of responsibilities, you know? Anyway, the guilt, the guilt, you guys that will get us in all places. This is my place where it gets me the interesting thing was everyone that is in my circle all has where it comes up for them with the self worth and guilt. But in different areas, some of them look at my thing with me, and then they get their self worth from moving. And so they're trail runners, and they're doing all these different wonderful things. Not me. And so it's going, Okay, how can we get ourselves to do the thing that we want to do when we don't feel good doing it knowing that eventually we're going to get really good at it? Because I mean, at the beginning, no one's good at anything. I wasn't good at business. When I started. It took me years, and years and years and years to get good at it. Now, I'm rarely thrown a problem I don't know the answer to because I've been through so much myself that I'm like, Oh, yes, I've got that. And here's a few examples of clients that have been through it. And this is the positives. And this is the negatives, like I've got it, it's dialled in, but when it comes to running, I'm like, Oh my god, am I running too fast? Am I running slow? Should I be running more? Should I be running less? Am I gonna hurt my knees? Am I gonna put my hands on like, Oh, what is wrong with me?

Oh, it's a big thing.

Anyway, so I want to make a more conscious effort to choose the thing that I know is going to serve future me. And so the link that the hypnotist made for me was with my goals and my life plan and wanting to live until I'm a beautiful old lady and a great grandma is I’m gonna have to have an able body to be able to do that. And getting that delayed gratification is going to be worth it. It's not a problem that I have in business, delayed gratification all the time, I'm doing things all the time that I know, we're not going to pay off for the next year or two or three or 10. But I'll do it for that because I know it's going to happen, but haven't made that link with health before. And so that's what I'm going to start doing. And one of the things that I see most commonly for so many people that I work with, is in the business side isn't showing up isn't going it doesn't feel good to be judged by people. Now I always say I'm really lucky because

not that I don't I do still care about what others think I do very much.

You know, if you were to email me now and go, I listened to your podcast, and you're an absolute Froot Loop, idiot, and we were all mean and nasty. Yeah, I would be sad, really sad. So keep that to yourself.

What was I talking about? I got distracted by thinking of people hating me.

But no, I do I still care way too much about what other people think. But the thing is, I hope I always will. Because I think it makes me Take care. It makes me really think what can I do to help and serve and and to be on other people's side and make an impact and write help raise them up as well. But one thing that I don't love that I know a lot of people have a problem with is the spotlight. So a lot of what I've been talking about with health may come out for you in terms of wanting to grow your business, but not wanting to build a personal brand or not wanting to really step into your light. And the thing is, I figured out really early, I have to be in it. I took time off social media while we were away, and I frickin loved it. I love it every time I do it.

I would love to be like a total recluse who would really suit me very, very well. But the thing is, I have big enough goals that I know we have to do what we've got to do. And it's not always I think as humans we do. I'm obviously very much a fan of doing what makes you happy and doing what makes you feel good. But we choose to often to not do the things that aren't immediately making us feel good for the future good of ourselves. And that could be things like

Going for that run that's going to help our bodies later on in life. It could be things like having regular video every week so that you can connect with your customers on a more personal level, it's all of the different things that you can do. So I want you to really figure out, what is that thing for you? And how can you improve on that? Because simply, I always want to be better than before. And interestingly, that is changing drastically as I get older. And as I become what I always wanted to become. So like I said, in the beginning, how that used to manifest with always wanting to be better than before was going faster, working harder, doing more. Now, I've lost that desperation. I don't feel the need, like yeah, sure I want. Like, as I say, I care about what other people think. But I'm no longer desperate for that validation. I know that if people don't, don't agree with what I've got, or people are judging me in different ways, or, like, I know, I've, I can I know what I can do. And so I no longer feel like I have everything to prove, but the habit is still there. And so this was something that was really interesting with my friends, and I was how much were driven by fear, in that a lot of us when we first start businesses, actually, everybody I know,

has a really hard time, it's really hard, you will go to different places where you've got to do things you've never done before you've ran out of money, you're investing a lot of money, you're not getting a lot of return, clients pull out, like there's all different things that make you have to have to hustle, you know, you have to I mean, I hate the word hustle. But you have to keep going, when the signs are there that are telling you to stop. Because if you really want it and entrepreneurship is made to look so sexy now, but you and I both know, it's what happens when no one's watching. And when no one's watching, that shit can get hard, you have to really dig deep on why you're doing what you're doing. And do the work to really stay in the game. So that you can have that level of success that you want to experience later. And that habit stays so that when you are safe, when you're no longer having to fight all the time when you're no longer having to say yes to every opportunity. And you now have the freedom to say no, and you now have the ability to pick and choose. And you now have the reason to look after your mental and physical health, and not just financial health, the habit is still there. And you always have this fear of going well, if I stop, Will I lose it all?

And this is something that's one of the biggest shifts, for people that have gone from startup to success is learning to let that go and make better choices going forward. That was mine anyway. And that was most of the women. I was around. And so I recorded this episode for you today, because I got so much out of stopping and reflecting. And it's something that I do quite often that I think has contributed greatly to the wonderful life that I'm so lucky to lead. All we can do is stop and take a look in the mirror and ask ourselves, Is this right? Is this who I currently want to show up as? What do I need to change to get closer to the best version of myself? And how can I do that in the most loving and gentle way?

Because it will change with each chapter it will change with each season. And this is why we have to have these periods where we can stop and reflect and go Okay, what's gotten me to here isn't going to get me to there. And so where I am now, what do I need to let go of? And how can I be the person that I want to be in the future. And then once we've defined that, you've just got to do the thing.

Which is easier said than done, my friends. So you're listening to this because if you're still tuning in, of my ramblings, at like 30 minutes in, you want a life less ordinary, just like me. You want to be better than average. You want to be better than your average. So doing the average things won't get you there. You have to be extraordinary. The thing is you already are because look at all the things that you're doing in your day to day that other people aren't willing to do. You just need to allow yourself to step into it more fully, unapologetically and shine like you were born to do.

Thanks for listening - hold me accountable to meeting every day. I'm doing it you guys. It's my homework. Share it on Instagram, say move your body. Tell me your favourite way to move your body. Oh my gosh, that'd be great. All right. I nearly finished on like a super inspirational part. And then I didn’t. Have the best day you guys.

Thank you for listening to this episode of her Empire Builder. If you loved it, please share it on Instagram and Facebook for your friends. And if you really want to deliver me smile, you can pop a review on iTunes. I'd love to hear from you. So if you have any questions, email me at podcast at Tina tower.com. And if you want to know more about what we do, head over to Tina tower.com. Now I truly hope this podcast gives you so much value and you can use it to dream big, plan well and take massive action in building your very own Empire. That's perfect. Just for you.